We’ve been waiting for a story like this here at the Bear Market for the better part of a year now. And finally, it has happened:

A bear in Minnesota got his head stuck in a jar and was taken down by police after failed attempts to tranquilize it. Repeat…A bear got his head stuck in a jar and was shot dead by police.

Yes, it’s true. Read about it here.

(Above: A panda clings for dear life to a tree; Not pictured: The rioting townsfolk below who are tired of having their children devoured.)

Before we get into the horrifying story that “bears” this picture, how about a roundup of bears in the news? You say no? Well then clearly you are a bear.

1. The usual myriad of bear puns litter the headlines. From the cliched, to the typical, to the utterly baffling.

2. Writer Michael Bond (better known as “Bondo” to his friends) reflects on the 3 decades he has spent writing stories about Paddington Bear. Most telling is this quote:

“There’s something about bears that are quite appealing really, they’ve got this kind of look in their eyes.”

THAT LOOK IS CALLED BLOODLUST!

Further evidence of Mr. Bond’s wishy-washy, bleeding-heart politics is seen through his use of Paddington as a metaphor for immigration. Paddington comes from Peru, and is always battling prejudice which he eventually overcomes.

“Soon after the first book was published I had a letter from somebody saying what he liked about the book was my attitude to the coloured question. I think it was probably a black person in a white environment and he saw Paddington in a similar situation and admired him because he always came out on top.“

Why would you glorify a bear? Even Al Franken doesn’t write books about Osama Bin Laden defeating America, becoming president, and turning Scarlet Johanssen into his sex slave. (Actually, we should look into whether or not Franken has done this. It seems like his bag.)

3. And finally, the story of the week.

You may recall the massive earthquake that shook China in May. Angelina Jolie was pregnant too though, so we’ll forgive you if the earthquake didn’t land on your radar.

Anyway, the earthquake led to, among other things, the destruction of Wolong Panda Reserve in Sichuan province. 1 Panda was killed and many of the 150 caves they live in were rendered unlivable by the earthquake. Yes, what a horrible fate to befall…wait, hold on! Pandas live in caves??????????

(Like this guy!)

I know what you’re saying. “There’s no reason to worry. The earthquake destroyed the Panda’s terrorist training camp in the mountains, and even killed a panda. What’s the problem?”

This is. The Chinese government announced they are pledging $300 million to rebuilding the Panda reserve. Remind me again why we aren’t boycotting the Olympics?

]]> http://bearmarket.wordpress.com/2008/07/09/give-a-bear-a-fish-and-feed-him-for-a-day/feed/ 0 bearmarket http://bearmarket.wordpress.com/2008/06/25/bear-ack-obama/ http://bearmarket.wordpress.com/2008/06/25/bear-ack-obama/#comments Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:29:38 +0000 bearmarket http://bearmarket.wordpress.com/?p=74 ]]>

You’re telling me my grandfather faked his own death at Iwo Jima to give us this?

Well, that photo speaks for itself. Vermont Teddy Bear, makers of fine Teddy Bears and other un-American collectibles, have released “A Bear You Can Believe In.” That’s right, a Barack Obama teddy bear.

Never mind that Obama would reverse America’s proud industrial history just to keep ice floes from melting for murderous polar bears; Never mind that Obama has time and again allowed himself to associated with gluttonous, hairy, freedom-hating beasts; The man has allowed himself to be remade in the image of a BEAR. A dark-furred bear at that.

Does Obama not realize that he is directly disobeying the Second Commandment? Observe:

“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. And so sayeth I, especially motherfucking bears.“

I would think that would clear things up, don’t you? Not for godless Muslims (yet to be proven) like Obama.

At least we can rely on the next President of the United States, John McCain. Can’t we?

Shit….

Remember the adorable little polar bear from before, that everybody crooned over. Remember our warnings, that perhaps this wasn’t the best thing to do with a baby serial killer that’ll grow up and murder innocent creatures/peoples/animals?

Well, don’t say that we didn’t tell you so… from the BBC:

Germany’s celebrity polar bear Knut has triggered a new controversy by fishing out 10 live carp from his moat and killing them in front of visitors.

Critics say Berlin Zoo should not have put live fish inside Knut’s enclosure. But German media report that the carp were put there to eat up algae.

There is speculation that hand-reared Knut killed the carp just for fun.

Holy fuck. He killed the carp just for fun? Jesus christ. Thank god it’s the German government paying for it, nor our government.

If you ever needed a reminder why this blog is probably the most important one out there on the web, this it it.

“One giant pimp slap for bearkind.”

We have co-opted and destroyed a great quote from history to point out a recent news story about bears. (The Toronto Sun does this sort of thing all the time. If a pile of naked supermodels were found passed out in the middle of Yonge Street the headline would be something along the lines of “It was the breast of times…”)

The bear story in question is this recent legal whopper. To summarize:

In Macedonia (one of those made up countries like Latveria from “Fantastic Four”, or The Vatican) a bear moseyed onto beekeeper Zoran Kiseloski’s property and decided that since Macedonia was a former Communist republic, then why not share in his brother’s labour? The bear stole honey, simply put. Zoran was terrified, and rightly so. So what was his response:

“I bought a generator, lit up the area and put on songs of (Serbian ‘turbo-folk’ star) Ceca.”

The bear was initially cowed, but did not back down, returning to attack Zoran’s beehives again and again. Finally, Zoran had enough. He sued the bear in court. And won.

The court ruled that the bear owed him damages amounting to 140,000 denars ($3400 CDN, $3300 US, 8 years pay in Macedonia). Unfortunately, the bear had no owner, thus damages could not be given….or so it would seem. The court realized that this “Winnie the Pooh” was a protected species, and therefore a ward of the state. So the court ordered the government to pay Zoran.

Predictably, the people of Macedonia recognized this legal triumph over bearpression (not to be confused with the synonym “bearpression”, meaning a bear coping with depression), and they celebrated in traditional Eastern European fashion:

Another delightful footnote: Not only is Macedonia a staunch opposer to Bearperialism (there is no synonym here), but they are a solider in the war on terror. Macedonia is a member of the Coalition of the Willing in Iraq, and despite not sending a single soldier, their President Boris Trajkovski offers some stirring words:

“As a peace-loving member of the community of democratic nations, Macedonia did not want this war, but the regime of Hussein, despite the commitment of the international community did not leave any option but to be disarmed by force… I would like to take this opportunity to express the support of Macedonia, to the troops of the United States, the United Kingdom and other coalition forces who have put themselves in harm in order to accomplish the crucial task of disarming the regime of Saddam Hussein and bringing democracy to the long-oppressed people of Iraq.”

One can read between the lines and see what he really meant:

“As a peace-loving member of the community of [honey-eating] nations, Macedonia did not want this war [with bears], but the regime of [honey-loving bears], despite the commitment of the international community did not leave any option but to be disarmed by [$3500 lawsuit]… I would like to take this opportunity to express the support of Macedonia, to [Zoran Kiseloski], [his bees] and other coalition forces who have put themselves in harm in order to accomplish the crucial task of disarming the regime of [bears] and bringing [honey] to the long-oppressed people of [some place that needs honey].”

If this was a John Hughes movie, someone would start a slow clap right now. Sadly, President Trajkovski died in a tragic plane crash in 2004 when his plane crashed into a god-damned minefield. Whether this tragedy was masterminded by a bear we cannot say (It was). What we do know is this: Bears are trying to undermine our honey-loving democratic societies and if we aren’t as strong and brave a country as Macedonia, we could end up a weak and impoverished country, like Macedonia.

You know those movies where the good guy has a chance to end it all, to stop the villain by finishing him off when he’s helpless, but he decides that it wouldn’t be fair or something.. Then the good guy stands up, begins to walk away from the bad guy.. and turns to face a gun?

Yeah, imagine all that, except the bad guy is a bear. Who is teething. It’s like baby Germany back in the 1930s.. oh, so cute.. oh, it’s getting it’s first tank. Aww, how cute.

BAM, THERE GOES POLAND! Way to hesitate Chamberlain.

Look here to see an adorable Polar Bear get his first tooth. Note the omnious voice overs in German.

I had the pleasure to be in the nation’s capital this past weekend, only to see yet another example of federal complicity in the bear agenda. Amidst some delightful subsidized ice sculptures and laughing children, look what the Department of Indian and Northern Affairs ‘proudly’ has near its exhibit:

Needless to say, we are not amused. If I’ve ever seen an open-and-shut case of both misuse of taxpayers dollars and the sellout of our middle-class to the bear agenda, this is it. FOR SHAME!

And, if you look closely, you can see that these things *spit* are far from humane and cuddly. Oh, let’s see.. .oh, yes, it’s glamorizing the murder of a baby seal. Oh wait, aren’t these the seals that we’re supposed to cry and wail about being clubbed up north? Oh… but it’s okay when Polar Bears do it. Oh, wouldn’t want to hurt their poor little feelings, eh. Waa waa.

This makes me sick, and it should make you sick too. Too bad the Department of Indian and Northern Affairs doesn’t distribute vomit bags.

With the shameful deficit of religious rhetoric in our society, youngsters of the 1980s grew up with the television as the sole source of moral teachings. And who delivered these lessons? Oh.. just a few… BEARS!

Let’s look at this little gem from the Care Bears, where they teach you that winning doesn’t matter. That’s like the Nazis trying to tell Britain in 1941 that ‘winning doesn’t matter’ as long as you have fun. Or, to use a more correct example, like bears telling youngsters that when the inevitable conflict between bear and man comes, don’t worry as long as you ‘try’:

Aww, isn’t that cute. When Share Bear hears that the kid lost and says ‘oh, that’s too bad’.. it doesn’t sound sincere does it? In any case, we mustn’t encourage little Billy to try hard at training to fight off bears, oh no, that would hurt his precious little soul. Let’s look at more propaganda:

Here, even though the two humans have the situation well in control, Share Bear comes riding in on a rocket to tell them that ’sharing their feelings is okay.’

Ahh… a clever ploy, Share Bear. Weaken the moral fortitude of our youth, so they’ll grow up watching Oprah and Dr. Phil instead of paying attention to websites like the ‘Bear Market.’

Finally, of course, we’re clearly seeing a nod in the direction of, oh, what’s that little word.. oh, yes, COMMUNISM. Share everything! Share your popsicle! Share bear encourages that! Share anything else. Like, oh, your agriculture? The fruits of your labour? Heck, why not just share your land. Under the direction of the central committee of care BEAR land.

Just remember, even though an animated bear may look cute, do you want it to be the last thing you see before you head off to the gulag?

(Above: Remember in The Omen how nobody could ever kill Damien, the Anti-Christ, because he was an innocent, adorable child? Yeah, same thing.)

It’s been a suspiciously quiet few days in bear news…perhaps too quiet. Perhaps many bears are off in the woods, having some sort of “picnic.” Such an event could be held beneath the trees where nobody sees, so it “bears” asking: is today the day the bears have their piiiiiic-nic?

Regardless, we’ve got a few bombshells for you today. Unfortunately none of them actually killed a bear, as these are just metaphorical bombshells.

(Above: A bear goes to war.)

1. We have yet to see a head-scratcher quite like this story. Apparently, during WWII (also abbreviated WWI) Polish troops in Iran discovered a bear wandering in the hills. Being the Polish Military we know from so many jokes about ill-conceived tanks and submarines, they naturally adopted the bear, giving it a name (Voytek), a rank, and number. Voytek followed them to Monte Cassino in Italy, carrying ammunition and other supplies in the battle. It went with the troops back to Scotland, where it camped with them until the end of the war, then lived out its life in the Edinburgh Zoo. Apparently, this bear was almost human:

The soldiers who were stationed with him say that he was easy to get along with.

“He was just like a dog – nobody was scared of him,” said Polish veteran Augustyn Karolewski, who still lives near the site of the camp. “He liked a cigarette, he liked a bottle of beer – he drank a bottle of beer like any man.”

Wow, a bear who was just “one of the troops”? Surely this loyalty must have been a short-lived ploy. After all, during WWII America’s allies in the war effort included such mortal enemies as the USSR, Iran, Libya, and France. We could forgive a temporary lapse and helping the enemy under these conditions. But no! It appears, the bear maintained this loyalty unto death:

“I went to Edinburgh Zoo once or twice when Voytek was there,” [a former soldier] said. “And as soon as I mentioned his name he would sit on his backside and shake his head wanting a cigarette. It wasn’t easy to throw a cigarette to him – all the attempts I made until he eventually got one.”

The bear remembered his fellow soldiers, and still obeyed orders from a commanding officer???!!! Heck, many of our troops in Iraq no longer do this. They’d rather run to Canada or to a Veterans’ Hospital. Bears policing the streets of Baghdad? We’ve seen stranger things in our life…(Note: We actually haven’t.)

2. You might remember this little guy:

Yes, it’s Knut! The adorable “serial killer of the Arctic” at the Berlin Zoo. That photo is over a year old though, I wonder what he’s up to these da-

OH FUCK! Someone has really let himself go. It appears that all the cuddle fests and love-ins at the Berlin Zoo were just a little too unBEARable for Knut. In the usual reasoned arguments we get from the Daily Mail in England, we learn that Knut is a “psychopath addicted to human company who will never mate“.

So what do you know? It turns out that bears aren’t cuddly little lovebugs who just want you to hold them. They grow up into monstrous, stained, psychopathic lardasses who won’t even have sex. It’s a real shame for Knut too, since he would’ve likely been the Travis Henry of the polar bear world, due to his celebrity and his multiple appearances on the cover of Vanity Fair, both with and without Leo DiCaprio.

(Below left: Newsweek never does this sort of thing. Below right: Ditto.)

3. A quick update on the orphaned New Jersey bears who were given their own private 5000 sq. ft. playpen. It turns out that the money to build this pen, some $30,000, was provided by a single anonymous donor. We’re guessing this man is the type of evil bear collaborator who shouts out things like “Continue the research!” and twirls his practically effeminate pencil-thin mustache. He’s also a lot like Democrats who oppose capital punishment. “Oh don’t kill em you conservative bastard, just lock em up for life so that DING! Oh, my falafel is ready!”

4. What is British Columbia smoking? (You know what it is.) It seems that several communities have set up programs to protect their citizens from a neverending wave of bear attacks:

The City of Port Alberni made a giant step towards becoming a Bear Smart community and setting a great example for other communities to follow says Crystal McMillan, Bear Aware Program Supervisor for the B.C. Conservation Foundation.

……

The Harbor Quay sign will focus on how Alberni Valley residents can prevent the unnecessary destruction of bears through attractant management.

A blame the victims approach? We didn’t know there were Democrats in Canada too. If you get mauled by a bear walking down an aisle in your local grocery store, is that your fault that you didn’t exercise “attractant management”? That’s like saying rape victims shouldn’t dress so slutty. If you get mauled by a bear, it is the bear’s fault, not yours. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. Come, hug the blog while we say this.

(Man on left might actually be clean-shaven bear.)

5. More sad stories about bear hunters taken down by our activist liberal judges. The hunter in the second link had to face down a bear that weighed over 400 pounds. Imagine facing down a 400 pound bear, as seen in this artist’s recreation:

6. Jesus Christ (forgive us), is Alaska overrun by bears? In this case, a cross-country skier on an unseasonably warm day ran into a black bear on a trail near Anchorage:

The bear apparently was stretching its legs on the Tour of Anchorage Trail…

Bears sometimes come out in winter either because they are confused about unusually warm weather, which Anchorage experienced over the weekend, or because meltwater in their dens makes them uncomfortable, Sinnott said.

What are they confused about? Oh I’m sorry Mr. Bear, did we interrupt your five straight months of hibernating and living off your own body fat? Get a fucking job. And for that goes for you too, Mr. Cross-Country Skier. Use a snowmobile you fairy.

7. We present this story with no editorializing. It is nothing more than an inspiring story of a man who survived a terrifying bear attack.

8. This however, needs to be editorialized into the ground, spit on, then exhumed as an example to future idiots.

From an insensitive bear pun to idolatory, this nutjob has it all. Heather and Geoff Thompson (of Darlington, UK no less) have decided to throw the world’s most northernly teddy bear’s picnic. Try as you might, this will always be the world’s most nothernly teddy bear’s picnic:

We all remember the humbling events of September 11th, 2001. Before the dust had even settled at Ground Zero, conspiracy theorists were already crying out that something about the events of that day didn’t sit right with them. Somehow, the “official version” we were led to believe, was a lie. We here at the Bear Market believe that the 9/11 Truth Movement is missing the point of the events of that day, that they are looking in the wrong place for the government cover up.

Just moments ago, we received an email from a source that wishes to remain anonymous. Attached was a computer-enhanced version of the photo below, giving us a view of the approaching plane in a level of detail that was previously unavailable.

CLICK TO KEEP READING, AND SEE THE SHOCKING TRUTH:

We would like to thank our anonymous emailer for his help:

B****** S*****n

478 W. 58th St., Apt. 1503

N** Y**k, N** Y**k, USA