The Bear Market


Bear Roundup: January 19 by bearmarket

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(Above: A rascally black bear climbs a fence. Possibly to steal government secrets from the facility inside)

It’s been a busy day in bear news, as it always is. Here are a couple stories from today, plus some we missed earlier this week. Though given the bears’ tightening grip on our channels of information, it’s not surprising that stories are missed.

The Roundup continues after the break.

1. The “bear market” continues to keep North America reeling. Thankfully it’s only a figure of speech….for now. Just imagine if one of these two scenarios actually happened. The economy would collapse overnight. Our hearts go out to the brave stockbrokers that go into work every day, knowing they are under constant threat of a bear attack.

2. Before we move on, a couple stories we regrettably missed earlier this week. Unfortunately, we spent a great deal of the past few days holed up in our bear-proof compound, which for security reasons has only enough electricity to run a stove, heat lamp, and SBMs (Surface-to-bear-missiles).

A. This brave man and his sons take to the woods, despite the constant presence of bears. Whether this man is a stockbroker or not, we don’t know. Perhaps this sums up what they’re up againt every time they step into the wilderness:

“GRIZZLY bears? Out here, we’re just scraps of meat to them,” declared our hiking guide, Paul Price, brandishing a can of “bear- repellent” pepper spray.

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(Spot the bears in this photo. What’s that? You can’t find any? That’s because they’re fucking ninjas of the woods!)

B. Zoos continue to be a problem, and not just for their coddling of certain polar bears. The Detroit Zoo has welcomed a red panada named Curry to their menagerie. Zoo officials insist that he is not a bear, belonging to his own family. Sure thing Detroit Zoo, and Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Husseing weren’t related either, but we saw how that worked out.

A zoo in New Zealand saw a bear birth that might rival German polar bear Flocke for sheer Anti-Christness. Witness Logan, or “Frankie” as people have begun calling him, after the famed blue eyes of Frank Sinatra. Sure it sounds cute, but look at this death gaze:

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People of New Zealand! Do not watch this bear on television! REPEAT! DO NOT WATCH IT! It will only hypnotize you with its satanic eyes and make you throw yourself on a sword. Or whatever type of sword you have in New Zealand, probably leftover props from Lord of the Rings.

C. Shit. This isn’t good. Apparently this black bear is getting reconstructive surgery on his face. Soon bears will be able to get enough plastic surgery that we can’t even tell them apart from people, at which point our species is pretty well screwed. Need more proof? Just imagine this….

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(Above: Run!)

Now back to current bear news:

3. In India, a bear described as a “rogue black bear” entered an Indian village on a number of occasions, wreaking havoc amongst the town’s livestock. Taking this into consideration, they killed it. The bear was a Himalayan Bear, likely crossing over from the nearby mountain range where it gets its name. And what’s on the other side of the Himalayas? COMMUNISTS! A socialist infiltrator from Red China, in bear form no less. Looks like this bear’s headstone should read “Julius and Ethel Rosenberg”.

4. Some “tragic” bear deaths in the southern United States yesterday:

In Catoosa County, Georgia, a s0-called “mother bear” was struck by a car and left for dead. Local law officials were forced to put it down. In an ironic twist, the mother bear’s two cubs are old enough to survive on their own. We were so close to killing three bears with one stone…

Robert Stephen Hall of Panama City, Florida has been charged with killing a black bear. He faces up to five years in prison if convicted! Don’t fret Mr. Hall. Colonel Oliver North was blackballed by the same left-leaning judicial system, and today he is one of America’s greatest heroes.

Sharkey County, Mississippi also saw a mysterious bear slaying. “Where’s the mystery?”, The Bear Market asks. “Isn’t this just God’s way of protecting us from on high?” What bothers us most is the use of “slain” in the headline, implying the bear had some human qualities. Just because they take our jobs doesn’t make them human in any respect. Even more disturbing is the fact that Sharkey County has an annual pro-bear celebration:

Sharkey County is home to the Delta National Forest, an area known for its black bear population.

[Sharkey County] also hosts a festival, called The Great Delta Bear Affair, an event that pays homage to President Theodore Roosevelt’s famous bear hunt that resulted in what is now the “teddy bear.” The affair also aims to increase awareness of bear preservation.

So you celebrate bear preservation at the same time as bears prowl your streets? This is typical bleeding-bear Democratic behavior, but it shocks us that it is coming out of the American South, a region typically renowned for its safety-killings of endangered species. Perhaps if Michael Vick had organized bear fights, the burgeoning bear population could have been stopped.

5. If the South gets it wrong, the Northwest gets it right! Western Washington state has faced a growing black bear problem in recent months. The bears have developed a taste for the Douglas Fir. The Douglas Fir, you may recall, is one of the world’s top choices for Christmas trees. Connect the dots…BEARS HATE CHRISTMAS! Thankfully, the wise brain-trust that controls the bear population in Washington has recognized the threat, and authorized a black bear hunt! Check out this chilling statistic:

“There is a hefty population of bears in the state, particularly in Western Washington,” Martorello said. “The bear population is estimated at 25,000 animals.”

Who is this “Martorello” you might ask? Judging by this excerpt, he might be Washington’s only hope against bear invasion:

“All the hunts in Western Washington are special black bear damage hunts,” said Donny Martorello, carnivore, fur-bearer and special game section manager for the state Department of Fish and Wildlife.

Sometimes it takes a carnivore to defeat a carnivore.

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A black bear prepares to have its way with a freedom-loving tree.

6. We here at the blog are big college football fans (except the UCLA Bruins, Cincinnati Bearcats, California Golden Bears, Baylor Bears, Brown Bears, Maine Black Bears, Central Arkansas Bears, Missouri State Bears, Morgan State Bears, Northern Colorado Bears, Sam Houston State Bearkats [not a misspelling, a horrible genetic mutation], and the Montana Grizzlies). That being said, we do not condone increasing bear tolerance in sports. Mark Mangino of Kansas has won the Paul “Bear” Bryant Award for coaching in Division I football. While we applaud Mr. Mangino’s fantastic efforts with Kansas this year, we cannot help but wonder why the NCAA continues to stick with the embarrassing Bear Bryant moniker for one of their most prestigious awards. If naming a sports team the Atlanta Braves or the Washington Redskins is disrespectful to Native Americans, then surely naming a trophy after a murderous mammal is equally offensive. We call on the NCAA to do the right thing.

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