The Bear Market


Bear Roundup: January 21 by bearmarket
January 22, 2008, 4:31 pm
Filed under: polar bears, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

1. We get it, the market is in trouble. Spare us puns like this.

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(Above: The nightmarish future that awaits us if you don’t read this blog!)

More after the break.

2. The Inuit of the Arctic (or as Native Americans call them, “maize”) have apparently decided to appeal to the growing eco-tourism market, a travel hobby characterized by flying several thousand miles in a carbon-spewing jet to an environment with traditionally low human impact where you trample all over it and then come home feeling superior because your voyeurism just saved the planet. The Inuit have appealed to these tourists by promising polar bear sightings:

When you look over the railing of your cruise ship directly into the piercing black eyes of a polar bear, it suddenly doesn’t matter that the cruise has no chocolate buffet or that the swimming pool is used as storage space.

The bear doesn’t care about chocolate buffets, either. Since there’s scant chance you’ll become his entree, probably he would rather the ship move on so he can get back to hunting ringed seal, his preferred meal.

What should be an ominous article comes off as a playful. Wouldn’t you love to go the Arctic? Read between the lines! This bear isn’t friendly, he wants to make you part of his buffet: DEATH!

Thankfully, many in the North aren’t taking this sledding down. Despite environMENTALists claims to the contrary, many say polar bears are still plentiful in number, no doubt backed up by the trails of blood leading to nowhere outside of town. How much longer will we let the greens play this political game while the lives of North North Americans hang in the balance?

And it’s not just Northerners who are threatened by polar bear protection! The Canadian Free Press has blown the lid off why protecting polar bears will destroy your standard of living!:

Listing the Polar Bear will be like the Spotted Owl on steroids; it will impact everyone! Under the ESA, any activity that is regulated by the Federal Government (because it affects air or water quality, for example) would be subject to further regulation on the grounds of greenhouse gases and potential effects on polar bears. That would mean facility emissions or modifications, expanded manufacturing capacity, increased shipping and a host of other activities that would come under renewed scrutiny for new reasons. Remember: Virtually everything we do involves fossil fuels and greenhouse gases (GHG).

As their costs go up, so will your costs to heat and cool your home, drive your car, clothe your family and put food on the table. As companies seek ways to cut expenses, to cover GHG control outlays, they will trim their workforces or send jobs overseas. Basic civil rights and individual freedoms will be hammered. It won’t be long before we will be told what and how much we can drive; how high or low we can set our thermostats; where, or if, we can go on vacation; what we can put on our dinner table. Everyone’s jobs, freedoms and cost of living will be affected.

That says it all, doesn’t it? We support the CFP and their bravery, be it stopping polar bear invasions, holding a service on Capitol Hill for the pre-born, or questioning why Martin Luther King Day be recognized.

3. In New Jersey, seven orphaned bear cubs were moved from a wildlife refuge to a 5000 sq. ft. enclosure to keep them safe. At face value, this seems like a victory: the equivalent of Bear Prison. But a closer look at photographic evidence yields a more horrifying story:

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WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Gently lifting the bear in a tarp? Laying them gently in a line to sleep? If Jack Bauer was working for the New Jersey Wildlife Department, he’d be screaming into his phone about how no one listens to him about the danger posed by these bears! Oh sure, let sleeping bears lie…AND THEN YOU WAKE UP DEAD IN A CAVE!

4. I think we need a break from all these Bad News Bears. Let’s look at some Good News Bears….News:

West Virginia bear hunters set a record in their annual black bear hunt. Todd Crawford of Mingo Junction, Ohio has won a bear hunting trip to Saskatchewan courtesy of the tv show, “Escape to the Wild.” My question to our government is this: Why, when there are over-qualified bear hunters roaming the wilderness, are we not putting their talents to use on Wall Street to defend our stockbrokers and financial wizards? You wouldn’t expect President Bush to provide his own security, so why should day traders be any different? Perhaps we can get these hunters some stock-readout camouflage to better fit in on the trading floor.

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(Why isn’t this man guarding a Starbucks off Exchange Plaza?)

5. EXTINCTION ALERT! EXTINCTION ALERT! In further Good News Bears News, it’s not just the “serial killers of the Arctic” who are facing extinction. The Grizzly Bear has been taken off the Endangered Species List, but that isn’t bad news, because it means we can now hunt them into extinction without fear of a $500 fine. (AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!) A few Idahoiansites are complaining however, since they feel the bear is just too friendly to be killed. Boohoo, environmentalists. Talk to Craid Medred, who’s in virtual Bear Ground Zero in Anchorage, Alaska, a city where bears literally roam the streets without fear of reprisal.

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(Above: Never bitch about the unwalkability of your downtown again.)

Mr. Medred bemoans the fact that bears die all the time in nature (often killed by other bears in bear-on-bear violence, which is actually something we here at the Bear Market support. Give them guns even.), but when a bear is shot, animal huggers come out of the woodwork and start bawling. These are the same types of people that cry when a mentally retarded MURDERER is executed by the state. How many human lives were saved because a hunter on Kodiak Island shot that Grizzly bear? A dozen? A hundred? The entire state of Alaska and some of neighboring British Columbia? Mr Medred lays it out for us on why bear death is a positive thing:

All things die. Some die slowly day by day in a steady decay from mountain to rock to sand to dust. Others go with the flick of a switch from the world of light to eternal darkness.

I like bears, but they are all destined to die.

Ring Ring! Hello Republican National Convention, I have your next President on the phone!

6. My heart jumped when I read this. Then I realized it was not a literal polar bear that was a “local icon.” Making a bear a “local icon”? Is John Walker Lindh on the town council in Waterville, Ohio? (Answer: Probably.)

7. I always hate to end on a sour note, but as long as the Toronto Star and their Canadian, left-wing, tree-hugging, granola-eating, bear-hugging, homosexual-marrying, dictator-hugging readers keep serving up this kind of offensive material, I’m afraid this is how things will have to end. The Toronto “Red Star of Socialism” (see Chinese and Soviet flags) recently published this review of a book detailing our love affair with bears. The book, with the ominous title Bears: A Brief History, wonders why mankind has a historical connection to these “cuddly” carnivores. This sums up the traitorous attitude seen in the book:

It’s hard to imagine readers of Bears: A Brief History not feeling galvanized to do something – whether it’s a pledge to support animal rights organizations or a renewed commitment to halting the global warming that’s responsible for melting polar bear-sustaining ice floes.

Brunner succeeds in pushing readers worldwide to look anew at creatures that have been in our orbit, at least peripherally, forever. All species should have such an eloquent advocate.

Pretty words are nice, but they can easily sway the masses into bad choices? Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, Crystal Pepsi; all were the result of the public being swindled by eloquent arguments. A more shocking excerpt from the book is seen here:

“Staged fights between animals have been popular since at least Roman times: the tyrant Caligula once pitted four hundred bears against gladiators and dogs in the arena.”

Shit. Makes a Lakers game seem pedantic by comparison.

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