The Bear Market

Bear Roundup: January 25 by bearmarket


(Above: Remember in The Omen how nobody could ever kill Damien, the Anti-Christ, because he was an innocent, adorable child? Yeah, same thing.)

It’s been a suspiciously quiet few days in bear news…perhaps too quiet. Perhaps many bears are off in the woods, having some sort of “picnic.” Such an event could be held beneath the trees where nobody sees, so it “bears” asking: is today the day the bears have their piiiiiic-nic?

Regardless, we’ve got a few bombshells for you today. Unfortunately none of them actually killed a bear, as these are just metaphorical bombshells.


(Above: A bear goes to war.)

1. We have yet to see a head-scratcher quite like this story. Apparently, during WWII (also abbreviated WWI) Polish troops in Iran discovered a bear wandering in the hills. Being the Polish Military we know from so many jokes about ill-conceived tanks and submarines, they naturally adopted the bear, giving it a name (Voytek), a rank, and number. Voytek followed them to Monte Cassino in Italy, carrying ammunition and other supplies in the battle. It went with the troops back to Scotland, where it camped with them until the end of the war, then lived out its life in the Edinburgh Zoo. Apparently, this bear was almost human:

The soldiers who were stationed with him say that he was easy to get along with.

“He was just like a dog – nobody was scared of him,” said Polish veteran Augustyn Karolewski, who still lives near the site of the camp. “He liked a cigarette, he liked a bottle of beer – he drank a bottle of beer like any man.”

Wow, a bear who was just “one of the troops”? Surely this loyalty must have been a short-lived ploy. After all, during WWII America’s allies in the war effort included such mortal enemies as the USSR, Iran, Libya, and France. We could forgive a temporary lapse and helping the enemy under these conditions. But no! It appears, the bear maintained this loyalty unto death:

“I went to Edinburgh Zoo once or twice when Voytek was there,” [a former soldier] said. “And as soon as I mentioned his name he would sit on his backside and shake his head wanting a cigarette. It wasn’t easy to throw a cigarette to him – all the attempts I made until he eventually got one.”

The bear remembered his fellow soldiers, and still obeyed orders from a commanding officer???!!! Heck, many of our troops in Iraq no longer do this. They’d rather run to Canada or to a Veterans’ Hospital. Bears policing the streets of Baghdad? We’ve seen stranger things in our life…(Note: We actually haven’t.)

2. You might remember this little guy:


Yes, it’s Knut! The adorable “serial killer of the Arctic” at the Berlin Zoo. That photo is over a year old though, I wonder what he’s up to these da-


OH FUCK! Someone has really let himself go. It appears that all the cuddle fests and love-ins at the Berlin Zoo were just a little too unBEARable for Knut. In the usual reasoned arguments we get from the Daily Mail in England, we learn that Knut is a “psychopath addicted to human company who will never mate“.

So what do you know? It turns out that bears aren’t cuddly little lovebugs who just want you to hold them. They grow up into monstrous, stained, psychopathic lardasses who won’t even have sex. It’s a real shame for Knut too, since he would’ve likely been the Travis Henry of the polar bear world, due to his celebrity and his multiple appearances on the cover of Vanity Fair, both with and without Leo DiCaprio.

(Below left: Newsweek never does this sort of thing. Below right: Ditto.)


3. A quick update on the orphaned New Jersey bears who were given their own private 5000 sq. ft. playpen. It turns out that the money to build this pen, some $30,000, was provided by a single anonymous donor. We’re guessing this man is the type of evil bear collaborator who shouts out things like “Continue the research!” and twirls his practically effeminate pencil-thin mustache. He’s also a lot like Democrats who oppose capital punishment. “Oh don’t kill em you conservative bastard, just lock em up for life so that DING! Oh, my falafel is ready!”

4. What is British Columbia smoking? (You know what it is.) It seems that several communities have set up programs to protect their citizens from a neverending wave of bear attacks:

The City of Port Alberni made a giant step towards becoming a Bear Smart community and setting a great example for other communities to follow says Crystal McMillan, Bear Aware Program Supervisor for the B.C. Conservation Foundation.


The Harbor Quay sign will focus on how Alberni Valley residents can prevent the unnecessary destruction of bears through attractant management.

A blame the victims approach? We didn’t know there were Democrats in Canada too. If you get mauled by a bear walking down an aisle in your local grocery store, is that your fault that you didn’t exercise “attractant management”? That’s like saying rape victims shouldn’t dress so slutty. If you get mauled by a bear, it is the bear’s fault, not yours. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. Come, hug the blog while we say this.


(Man on left might actually be clean-shaven bear.)

5. More sad stories about bear hunters taken down by our activist liberal judges. The hunter in the second link had to face down a bear that weighed over 400 pounds. Imagine facing down a 400 pound bear, as seen in this artist’s recreation:


6. Jesus Christ (forgive us), is Alaska overrun by bears? In this case, a cross-country skier on an unseasonably warm day ran into a black bear on a trail near Anchorage:

The bear apparently was stretching its legs on the Tour of Anchorage Trail…

Bears sometimes come out in winter either because they are confused about unusually warm weather, which Anchorage experienced over the weekend, or because meltwater in their dens makes them uncomfortable, Sinnott said.

What are they confused about? Oh I’m sorry Mr. Bear, did we interrupt your five straight months of hibernating and living off your own body fat? Get a fucking job. And for that goes for you too, Mr. Cross-Country Skier. Use a snowmobile you fairy.

7. We present this story with no editorializing. It is nothing more than an inspiring story of a man who survived a terrifying bear attack.

8. This however, needs to be editorialized into the ground, spit on, then exhumed as an example to future idiots.


From an insensitive bear pun to idolatory, this nutjob has it all. Heather and Geoff Thompson (of Darlington, UK no less) have decided to throw the world’s most northernly teddy bear’s picnic. Try as you might, this will always be the world’s most nothernly teddy bear’s picnic:


1 Comment so far
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knut is the cutest thing alive!! i love polare bears with a strong passion!!

Comment by .rezzie.

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