The Bear Market


“One small step for man…” by bearmarket
March 24, 2008, 5:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

“One giant pimp slap for bearkind.”

We have co-opted and destroyed a great quote from history to point out a recent news story about bears. (The Toronto Sun does this sort of thing all the time. If a pile of naked supermodels were found passed out in the middle of Yonge Street the headline would be something along the lines of “It was the breast of times…”)

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Above: Inspiration for a metaphor in Rage Against the Machine lyrics.

The bear story in question is this recent legal whopper. To summarize:

In Macedonia (one of those made up countries like Latveria from “Fantastic Four”, or The Vatican) a bear moseyed onto beekeeper Zoran Kiseloski’s property and decided that since Macedonia was a former Communist republic, then why not share in his brother’s labour? The bear stole honey, simply put. Zoran was terrified, and rightly so. So what was his response:

“I bought a generator, lit up the area and put on songs of (Serbian ‘turbo-folk’ star) Ceca.”

The bear was initially cowed, but did not back down, returning to attack Zoran’s beehives again and again. Finally, Zoran had enough. He sued the bear in court. And won.

The court ruled that the bear owed him damages amounting to 140,000 denars ($3400 CDN, $3300 US, 8 years pay in Macedonia). Unfortunately, the bear had no owner, thus damages could not be given….or so it would seem. The court realized that this “Winnie the Pooh” was a protected species, and therefore a ward of the state. So the court ordered the government to pay Zoran.

Predictably, the people of Macedonia recognized this legal triumph over bearpression (not to be confused with the synonym “bearpression”, meaning a bear coping with depression), and they celebrated in traditional Eastern European fashion:

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Another delightful footnote: Not only is Macedonia a staunch opposer to Bearperialism (there is no synonym here), but they are a solider in the war on terror. Macedonia is a member of the Coalition of the Willing in Iraq, and despite not sending a single soldier, their President Boris Trajkovski offers some stirring words:

“As a peace-loving member of the community of democratic nations, Macedonia did not want this war, but the regime of Hussein, despite the commitment of the international community did not leave any option but to be disarmed by force… I would like to take this opportunity to express the support of Macedonia, to the troops of the United States, the United Kingdom and other coalition forces who have put themselves in harm in order to accomplish the crucial task of disarming the regime of Saddam Hussein and bringing democracy to the long-oppressed people of Iraq.”

One can read between the lines and see what he really meant:

“As a peace-loving member of the community of [honey-eating] nations, Macedonia did not want this war [with bears], but the regime of [honey-loving bears], despite the commitment of the international community did not leave any option but to be disarmed by [$3500 lawsuit]… I would like to take this opportunity to express the support of Macedonia, to [Zoran Kiseloski], [his bees] and other coalition forces who have put themselves in harm in order to accomplish the crucial task of disarming the regime of [bears] and bringing [honey] to the long-oppressed people of [some place that needs honey].”

If this was a John Hughes movie, someone would start a slow clap right now. Sadly, President Trajkovski died in a tragic plane crash in 2004 when his plane crashed into a god-damned minefield. Whether this tragedy was masterminded by a bear we cannot say (It was). What we do know is this: Bears are trying to undermine our honey-loving democratic societies and if we aren’t as strong and brave a country as Macedonia, we could end up a weak and impoverished country, like Macedonia.

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