The Bear Market


Give a bear a fish and feed him for a day; Teach a bear to fish and doom us all to extinction by bearmarket
July 9, 2008, 11:07 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

(Above: A panda clings for dear life to a tree; Not pictured: The rioting townsfolk below who are tired of having their children devoured.)

Before we get into the horrifying story that “bears” this picture, how about a roundup of bears in the news? You say no? Well then clearly you are a bear.

1. The usual myriad of bear puns litter the headlines. From the cliched, to the typical, to the utterly baffling.

2. Writer Michael Bond (better known as “Bondo” to his friends) reflects on the 3 decades he has spent writing stories about Paddington Bear. Most telling is this quote:

“There’s something about bears that are quite appealing really, they’ve got this kind of look in their eyes.”

THAT LOOK IS CALLED BLOODLUST!

Further evidence of Mr. Bond’s wishy-washy, bleeding-heart politics is seen through his use of Paddington as a metaphor for immigration. Paddington comes from Peru, and is always battling prejudice which he eventually overcomes.

“Soon after the first book was published I had a letter from somebody saying what he liked about the book was my attitude to the coloured question. I think it was probably a black person in a white environment and he saw Paddington in a similar situation and admired him because he always came out on top.

Why would you glorify a bear? Even Al Franken doesn’t write books about Osama Bin Laden defeating America, becoming president, and turning Scarlet Johanssen into his sex slave. (Actually, we should look into whether or not Franken has done this. It seems like his bag.)

3. And finally, the story of the week.

You may recall the massive earthquake that shook China in May. Angelina Jolie was pregnant too though, so we’ll forgive you if the earthquake didn’t land on your radar.

Anyway, the earthquake led to, among other things, the destruction of Wolong Panda Reserve in Sichuan province. 1 Panda was killed and many of the 150 caves they live in were rendered unlivable by the earthquake. Yes, what a horrible fate to befall…wait, hold on! Pandas live in caves??????????

(Like this guy!)

I know what you’re saying. “There’s no reason to worry. The earthquake destroyed the Panda’s terrorist training camp in the mountains, and even killed a panda. What’s the problem?”

This is. The Chinese government announced they are pledging $300 million to rebuilding the Panda reserve. Remind me again why we aren’t boycotting the Olympics?

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